Believing (in) my son

Jacob was right.  I just didn’t understand it at the time.

It was eight years ago and one year into his sobriety.  We were seated at an outdoor breakfast café in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida where his recovery had taken him.  How clearly I recall his words, and the calm, quiet way he delivered them.

“Ma, I hope someday you’ll realize that maybe a lot of good can come out of this…”

Like a prayer, whispered across that small table, he foretold of the “good” that can come from recovery – both from his — and especially from mine.

If I didn’t get it then, I am reminded now.

Recently, a family medical scare hurled me back into the anxious, fearful, isolated person I was when I lived with active addiction.  Feeling totally out of control once again, I faced a situation I ached to fix.  And I wanted it fixed fast.

But the problem would stretch for weeks.  I experienced that same sense of panic I had felt living under the influence of my son’s addiction. Sleepless nights and the all-too-familiar sense that my world was not quite right filled me with dread.

That was until I read and re-read Al-Anon literature, talked at meetings, and realized:  today it is different.  Today I have the Serenity Prayer.  Today I know that by sharing my fears with trusted friends and family, I can find relief.  By taking it one day at a time, not looking too far into the future, I can enjoy the moment.

And, most importantly, by turning it over to a higher power, I can restore myself to sanity.

Today, I am reminded to believe in my son and to trust in “the good” that can come from addiction.