How do I know he’s clean?

It happens often.  When my husband and I are invited to speak in family workshops to help parents and spouses of loved ones battling addiction, we learn more than we give.

During a recent event – on Zoom – a mother shared her profound love for her adult daughter and her despair at not being able to help her.

This mother’s anxiety was palpable.  She believed her daughter was clean, but she wasn’t sure.  It never lasted long.  “She hides it so well,” this mom said.

Then she raised a question I’d never before been asked.

“You say your son has been in recovery for nearly 8 ½ years.  How do you know?”

Seconds ticked by.

To gain time, I responded, “That’s a great question.”

Indeed.  How did I know that Jacob was clean?  How do I know today?

The way in which I responded – I later learned – was wrong, and it felt wrong even as I gave it.  I told her I could tell by the “external” trappings of his life.  He had finished college and started two businesses.  He bought a house.  He is engaged to a smart, beautiful young woman.

What’s more, he responds promptly whenever I text or call him.  He’s just – present.

This mom accepted that.

But much later I reviewed this conversation with Jacob.  His answer was far better.

“You know me, Mom.   You can just tell.”   

Regardless of my son’s profound response, it occurs to me that’s not even a question I should ask.

It’s not for me to know about his recovery.  That’s up to him.

The only question I should  ask is about my own.