The conversation we never had

When my son was new to recovery – as was I – two conversations stand out
One we had.
One we didn’t.

It was his first year in recovery. After five months in a South Florida sober living house, he had moved to an apartment with a young man also facing his first year. They worked at Starbucks and went to AA meetings.

A few months passed. One day my phone rang.

“Mom? Hi. I just wanted you to know I picked up again. But it was only for a few days and I caught myself. I’m fine now. I’m back on track.”

In a stabbing few seconds, gripping my cell phone and staring at it as though my son could see me, I nearly spit out these words …

“Whaddya mean you picked up again? Are you kidding me? You mean you just threw away months of sobriety? What-the-*#bleeping- hell are you doing?”

By then, I was attending an Al-Anon meeting at least once a week. Some weeks I went to two or three. The comradery, sharing stories, and strength of others living the same nightmare soothed me and helped me to find some balance.

I took a deep breath. Then another.
“Jacob, thank you for telling me. Please take care of yourself. You are the only one who can.”

There was a slight pause.
“Thank you Mom. That’s what I needed to hear.”

I’d like to say that was the end of it. That recovery was secured and he never “picked up” again.

But that’s not how addiction works. It would take many more months, another inpatient stay and another sober living house before it did.

While I am forever grateful for our recovery, I also am forever grateful we never had that second conversation.